The Unwanted Present
I hope you receive at least one present you do not like this year.
Yes, you read that right. I actively hope you have to manage your facial expression after you open a non wanted gift. In fact, I hope it happens in front of others. I even hope there is a gift you identified you wanted and you are left wondering why you got the one you are holding.
A lot of us have either not started holiday shopping or even thinking about it. A very special few have been done for weeks. Those people are not so much fun to talk to.
But all of us who participate in celebrations that include gift giving spend a lot of energy trying to select gifts for our loved ones. Gifts they will like and ideally want.
So why do I believe we should have an experience of not liking everything we get this season? Of even not wanting everything we get?
For the Love of Soccer
Well, it involves soccer. My son loves sports, he loves all the sports. He has all his life. And he is really athletically gifted. Other non genetically related people have confirmed this so I am not having another proud mom moment.
Soccer is my son’s first sports love. He has excelled and moved up in the travel soccer ranks. A soccer field is also where he found two of his best friends. I, in turn, found two families that have made our lives in Arlington all the sweeter.
These two families have been carpooling for a long, long time, with my son’s twin sister along for many of those rides.
One of the best friends left soccer for a stronger love of hockey but the friendship between the trio remained. And my son’s twin eventually became a cheerleader after all that unofficial cheering she did on a soccer field.
Jack and his remaining soccer bestie have advanced teams every year in their travel club. Which made cheering a lot more fun for me because I had my soccer mom bestie at all the games.
Enter the Soccer Mom
Together, my soccer mom bestie and I have collectively learned a lot about soccer. I am proud to say we now both can independently spot off sides sometimes even before the pro soccer dads shout it out. We have also learned a lot of why’s about soccer we previously never knew existed.
Both boys work so, so hard at it. And we drive them to all things that help them get better. There is private training, camps, group training, backyard goals, and pick up games every time school is out. Soccer on tv, soccer discussion in the car. Soccer, soccer, soccer.
Basically my friend and I had no choice but to learn something about the sport.
More importantly, we both love watching our sons do something they truly love. And cheering your kid on doing something they love is one of the best gifts of parenthood.
Every year before the rankings for travel team placement come out, we both go a little quiet.
There is a bit of mystery in travel soccer for who goes on what team. And soccer moms can spend a lot of time trying to unravel that mystery.
One hard fact is that I always want her son to get on the same team as mine. And it really has nothing to do with the carpool.
I know how much it means to her son because it means that much to mine. I cheer as loudly for him on the field as my own son.
I want them both to get what they want because it will hurt so hard if they don’t.
A valid Why
When middle school arrived, they remained on the top travel team. Both soccer moms expected them to make the middle school team as highly competitive travel soccer playing 6th graders. Neither did.
Both boys watched the middle school games which, while character building, was hard for them to view from the sidelines and not the field.
Both agreed they were undoubtedly better players than a lot of the kids. Shocking, I know.
They also agreed, for the 8th graders who had no soccer playing experience, it was nice they finally got to be on a team after all the COVID sports cancellations.
I overheard this and was impressed at their level of empathy. It also was a valid why for the why they did not make it.
A why they didn’t like but one that they could understand.
Jack came to watch his sister cheer at every soccer game no matter how hard it was for him to sit on that sideline. She was thrilled he prioritized her sport.
Mia also has a truly kind soul, even for a 12 year old girl. She emphatically said “you don’t have to watch the game Jackie, just watch me. “
I am tougher. I said watch the game and understand how it feels to not get something. Remember this feeling and work harder.
Oh if only I knew….
No spot for you
7th grade arrives, both our soccer boys remain on the top travel team. Jack comes home from middle school try out days and confidently says “there is no way I didn’t make this mom, I am seriously one of the best out there and so is my bestie, we are both definitely making it this year.”
Now, any mom of boys know that communicating with their mothers is not a top priority. Texts mostly occur when they need food or to be driven somewhere.
On the the day the middle school team was announced in the old fashioned way of a bulletin board posting at school, my soccer mom bestie and I waited and texted.
We didn’t expect to hear from either boy during the school day. I did have an advantage with the twin sister. She kept her phone in her sweatshirt and texted me at lunch with partial results. She saw one name.
The news: Jack’s soccer bestie was on the list; she had not seen her brother’s name.
My heart sunk and honestly I became really anxious. Not about him not making the team. The scheduling of the practices was actually going to be really hard with our existing schedule.
His potential reactions fueled my anxiety. I was worried how he was going to cope with not knowing why he didn’t make it.
I immediately texted my soccer mom bestie with the preliminary news. Not because I wanted her sympathy, I wanted to end her misery of waiting.
Not what we expected or wanted
While this was not the first time my son did not make this team it was the first time he didn’t make a team with his soccer best friend.
Did I patiently wait for confirmation? There was a chance Mia didn’t see the whole list. While waiting did I have calm thoughts about how this would all work out for my son in some psychologically healthy way?
Of course not. I went on a soccer mom texting mission. I engaged my other travel sport mom bestie who received confirmation texts from the third turned hockey playing bestie that Jack didn’t make it.
In writing this, I realize how crazy travel sports moms can sound. They should probably fund a support group for us.
I was a wreck driving to the school to get Jack. I was so worried about how he would feel, how he would react. I also was so stuck on why he didn’t make it.
Our neighborhood is small and most of the kids walk home. As I turned in, I saw my son’s soccer bestie. He had the biggest grin on his face. Bigger than that time he had a hat trick.
This kid is not just a great soccer player, he is also a great kid. He is the kid that always waves at me when I am driving to the school. There is no pre teen lack of acknowledgment from him.
He shouted “Ms. Heather, I made it!”
His face said it all. He had conquered what he had failed at the previous year.
It was the first time all afternoon where my anxiety and worry about my own kid was replaced with true happiness for someone else’s. I was so happy he made it. I was even more happy he knew I was someone who would celebrate his success despite what happened to my son.
It was an unexpected and much appreciated present that he gave me.
Time for me to STFU
My son’s face did not say much. Jack is a lot like me. It is hard for both us to immediately talk about negative experiences. We both need time. We spend that time obsessing over the why.
We also both like distraction. So Jack invited another kid home to hang out. A baseball travel playing kid so no talk of soccer could occur.
I knew the why of this why and I didn’t press it. In fact, I didn’t press it for an entire weekend.
I found out later both Jack and his soccer bestie confided in the third hockey bestie. As 12 year old boy conversations go, I don’t really know how deep it was but at least they were talking about it.
I know it was as conflicting for Jack’s soccer bestie as it was for Jack. He told his parents as much.
In true empathy, he was happy for himself and sad for Jack. I was impressed that he could identify and hold conflicting emotions.
These boys may not text their mothers consistently but they were handling complicated stuff. And they were talking about it!
Jack’s dad is a soccer coach. I think they talked about the more technical reasons why Jack didn’t make the team.
Jack’s dad and I have toughness in common. He also said go work on your foot skills if you don’t like this outcome. Use this experience to become better.
We discovered he tried out for an offensive position and not his typical left back defensive position. Still, his technical skill level and athleticism remained higher than the kids who made it. Because we didn’t really know the coach, we didn’t have a way to find out why.
Why did I get this?
The not knowing why bothered me. And it bothered Jack. It also bothered my soccer mom bestie and my hockey mom bestie. The travel sports moms were bothered. We asked each other why.
Why is part of my entire profession. Why is part of me studying psychological theory and practice for decades. I should in theory be comfortable in the unknown Why. I help clients identify and become comfortable in their unknown Whys.
I didn’t like a why that I couldn’t fix for my kid. I wanted to take this all away and make it better.
I intentionally decided not to talk about the why with Jack. Instead, I turned away from sports.
Jack loves music. I will credit his father for Jack’s love of classic rock and his favorite band, Queen. However, in my car it has been a steady diet of pop and hip hop.
A full three days later, at the end of a car pool, with the Renaissance album playing on my apple music, I had enough of being quiet. I said, “Jack, let me tell you about the show Star Search.”
Enter the real royalty
Did you know Beyoncé did not win Star Search? If you have seen the Flawless video you do. She was singing with the band Girl Tyme and they came in second. I don’t have to give you all the stats about her fame and success. Second on Star Search!!!!
Big mistake Ed McMahon. Big, huge mistake. (Insert Julia Roberts lifting those shopping bags).
Sure, I could have gone with the Michael Jordan story of not making varsity. Jack is a huge Jordan fan. I think I threw that out there at some point. But I started with Queen Bey.
I started with we don’t always get what we want. I did stop myself from singing the rest of that line.
I reinforced how we can use defeats as fuel for the preparation of the next competition; for our own personal Star Search.
I also talked about holding competing emotions. The entire Lemonade album is about holding conflicting emotions if you need another Queen Bey reference.
And that in holding competing emotions you have to understand you won’t always know the why.
The hardness of not know the why is what brings a lot of people to therapy. Why is what makes it painful to understand hard truths, conflicting experiences, the why is hard. Sometimes there is nothing sweet about why.
No one wants the gift of Why.
The Gift That will keep on Giving
Holding competing emotions just sucks. And it sucks at every age. It's something I spend a lot of time helping clients process and understand. Their own personal whys.
Susan David writes about holding competing emotions in Emotional Agility. She goes deeper in helping the reader understand how some of our reactions to negative experiences can become adaptable to success. It is a great read that actually has how to’s in it.
And while I enjoy congratulating Jack more for his accomplishments, congratulating him on how he handles defeat is more important.
Helping him understand he may not know why he was defeated is also a parenthood gift.
He has a lot more defeats coming in life. More serious defeats than this. This defeat was a present for him to unwrap in understanding how to hold the why.
Soccer will go on
Jack will return to cheer for his soccer bestie on the middle school sideline. It will be very hard for him.
At some point, he will lean over and tell me how he would have played better than one of the kids who made it. He also will proclaim his bestie is clearly carrying the team.
I will automatically agree his soccer bestie is carrying the team.
The hockey bestie will be next to Jack. His presence supporting my son who didn’t make it and cheering for the friend who did. That kid holds the why real well.
Part of me will want to give Jack a pass and let him stay at home. But I won’t.
He has to continue to develop emotional agility and part of that is cheering for your best friend while wishing you were also playing.
He has to sit with this unwanted present. He has to sit with this why.
And that means I have to sit in not being able to fix it for him.
I plan to get a picture of my girl in her cheer uniform and my soccer bestie’s son in his soccer uniform together on the field.
It won’t be the same without Jack in the picture and it is not the present I asked for. But it will serve as a good reminder that the Why is important.
I will look at that picture and be both happy and sad. And then we will listen to Queen Bey on the way home.
