The Expert in the Room
When I became pregnant with twins, I became a wee bit overwhelmed. While hoping and praying for one baby, two babies at the same time was exciting, shocking, and mostly bewildering.
As many pregnant women do, I naturally started asking A LOT of questions. Questions about a multiple pregnancy; questions about what would happen to my body; questions about how to raise two children of the exact same age at the exact same time? And most importantly, would I ever look down and see my feet again?
As a solid Generation X, the internet was not my first destination for expert information. I was wary of the validity of what I would find. My initial instinct led me to collect my information the old fashioned way, by word of mouth.
While pregnant, I spent a lot of time questioning EVERYONE. I was hungry for any and all expert advice, tips, tricks, and words of wisdom. There was not a question that was off limits and even when I received the information, I then questioned that information.
I questioned family, friends, strangers, and a couple of pregnant dogs I encountered on my walks. All who I assumed had to be experts.
Buy Buy Baby became not just a destination for all the requisite stuff of infants but of expert parents who I just knew had the precious information I needed.
I was unstoppable in my need to gather as much external information as I could to decrease my anxiety about a major life change.
Who do I trust?
What did I do with all my new found expert information, tips, and advice? I trusted but verified some of it.
Some I ascribed an almost cult like devotion to without any external verification. And some I whole hardheartedly and immediately rejected without much internal exploration of why.
Feeling uncertain and open to all forms of outside advice was not a new terrain for my internal landscape. I was always a naturally curious person who legitimately loved school and loved reading. And I loved turning to experts for information, probably why I pursued a doctoral degree.
This time felt different though. I did not just use my trained psychologist brain and turn to the scientifically, evidenced based research. Nor, did I only read the recommended parenting books.
The reality was, I wanted advice from people in the trenches of pregnancy who I assumed were parenthood experts.
Advice from people who I assumed had to know better because they had gone before me. Advice from other peoples’ experiences that I inherently trusted more than my own.
The common thread
I received a lot of information. One sleepless night, I broke down, venturing to the internet and typing in the questions that led to the heart of some of my worst fears.
The advice ranged from funny to wistful. Shared parents’ memories and recollections included a range of emotional experiences. Some were hysterical, others terrifying. There were A LOT of “guarantees or must haves.”
Guarantee this technique will work EVERY TIME to fill in blank (get them to sleep, stop crying, latch). You must have this essential to fill in the blank (get them to sleep, stop crying, latch).
You get the idea, everyone had a Go-To method that helped them navigate difficult and distressing times.
There was one common thread in all the expert advice that transcended ages, gender identities, ethnicity, strangers and family members. Trust your instincts.
That tingly, inner feeling
Instinct was not a class I completed in my 6 year doctoral program studying to become a health service psychologist. At the time of my pregnancy in 2009, a lot of research being released was about gut psychology and diets.
For those curious, Dr’s Jeste and Treichler wrote an excellent article as an overview. But trusting their guts was not something I was advising my clients or teaching my students. Nor what these authors advise.
One harrowing night of not sleeping, I did the perpetual pregnant waddle to the bathroom. And experienced yet another weird tingly feeling, yet this one did not stop and this time I instinctively knew it was different.
Identifying your inner voice
Fast forward 4 days later, I delivered two healthy babies and returned home with no baby furniture assembled and a random collection of premature clothing.
I honestly do not remember much of the first 6 months; there are photos to document it. But I do not have a lot of clear memories.
What I now recall is the development of my own inner parent voice, my instinct of what to do and more importantly what not to do began to coalesce.
As I navigated their milestones and my own as a mother, I did began to observe that my carefully collected expert wisdom was not always my first destination for parenting answers.
Rather, I started listening to my own inner voice. Naturally as a parent of infants, you do not always have the actual time to carefully consider all the advice and then make a decision.
Most decisions are on the fly and some require split second reactions. But even the decisions that I did research, typically resulted with me listening to my own instincts and following my first initial reactions.
The expert is always right
Naturally, you may assume I began to translate this skill set of trusting my instincts to other areas of my life. In my early career, I looked for the external expert to continue building my knowledge base as a newly licensed psychologist.
I pursued leadership classes, executive certificates, and read books to hone my leadership and communication styles. I sat through countless retreats and listened to experts about messaging, executive presence, and team building.
I did not, however begin to apply the most important lesson I learned as a mom…trust my instincts. Instead, I would prioritize the expert in the room, the book, or the person with more life experience.
I had been well and thoroughly socially and educationally conditioned to turn and cede to the higher authority of academic expertise, experience, and sometimes even age.
Trusting my own instincts
A lot of times we may feel we have to be the expert to be considered competent. Successful people spend a lot of time pursuing degrees, certifications, badges, and experiences to cement their knowledge and brand as an expert and to display their competency.
But how do our instincts, honed over years of lived experience gain a respected place in our decision making?
What I learned both professionally and personally, is that acknowledging my instincts led to increased confidence in not just my decision making but in my ability to handle the subsequent outcomes.
Our natural instinct may be to turn to outside experts as we navigate a new life transition. And sometimes we do need experts to learn new information.
When making way for new information, we cannot ignore our lived histories and gut reactions. Experts rather should serve as guideposts on our journeys as we remain firmly in control of the helm of our ship.
Who is the expert in the therapy room?
I spend a lot of time with my clients talking about who is the expert in their own rooms and how do they steer their own ship.
Surprisingly, it is not their therapist. Instead, as a therapist I am allowed the privilege of helping my clients identify their own expert voice and trust their own instincts.
My clinical practice is grounded in evidenced based research; and I completely believe in scientifically researched and supported evidenced based treatments for my clients.
My strongest belief though is that each client is the expert of their life. Clients may arrive to therapy with an inner voice that may be quieted, diminished or even battered. But they can, if given the correct therapeutic space, develop an assertive, empowered voice based in an inherent belief that they can trust their instincts and survive what may happen.
