When you need Professional Help

I bet you thought this blog was going to be about needing a therapist. My opening scene, an existential crisis that led someone to the my office who emerged healthier, happier, and in a better place than they arrived. Instead, it's about my dog. I have always been a dog lover.

As a child and teenager; I grew up with yellow and black labs, I later became a dog mom via a relationship in my late 20’s who became my first furry baby. The longest I went without a dog in my life was when my twins were born until age 10. I just couldn’t figure out how to simultaneously take care of more than two living creatures.

I broke down when they were age 6 and adopted the grumpy cat. Fast forward to 2020, and of course we needed a pandemic puppy.

This was the first dog I was in charge of selecting. All my past dog loves were big hairy, fury, jumpy, labs that had to be put on green bean diets they got so big. But dogs I was able to groom myself.

For my first dog, I wanted a smaller, less jumpy, hypoallergenic dog. An Australian labradoodle fit all my requirements. Enter Bella who came in under 25 pounds with a sweet pink button nose and hair, a lot of hair. Hair that doesn’t really shed but grows at an alarming rate.

I can do it myself

For the first three months, she had only puppy hair which I tried to brush but was so fine it didn't really need it.

She has always been a super compliant and happy dog. No issues when I trim her nails and she patiently holds each paw up for me to wipe when she comes in the house wet.

Bella is so compliant that I embarked on my first job as dog groomer with zero anxiety. I purchased dog clippers, watched a couple of YouTube videos, and even had a makeshift grooming station in the backyard which afforded me the perfect angle to trim her.

In my Timing is Everything blog I disclosed my economic frugality which was in full force as I scoffed at my fellow pandemic puppy owners who stupidly spent money every 6 weeks for regular grooming appointments.

As spring 2021 arrived, I had successfully and regularly groomed her for 9 months. Sure, some times she looked a little lopsided, and one time half her facial hair was dramatically short, but generally she looked like a healthy dog.

Its fine, really its fine

As her one year birthday approached, Bella had reached her full wight of 25 pounds, lost all baby teeth, received good bills of health from the vet, and we had survived one menstruation cycle prior to spaying. I continued to congratulate myself on all the money I had saved as well as my newly acquired pandemic skill.

It was all going fine, until it wasn’t. My boyfriend first noticed she had little lumps around her ears. At this point, he had moved in and we were blending our families and learning how to live together. With all of the changes and one large family vacation, Bella’s grooming schedule slipped.

With lumps identified, out we went to our back yard grooming station and for two hours I proceeded to take large clumps of hair off her body. Except I couldn’t seem to get rid of the lumps which at this point were actually huge tangled masses of fur that were so hidden they were all over her body and around her ears.

I was terrified to cut close to her skin. The more I trimmed the more tangled masses I discovered. I was horrified, embarrassed, and increasingly worried.

Did I immediately go back in the house and confess my mistakes and worries? No, I boldfaced lied. I didn’t just lie about all the lumps being gone. I went even further and said dog grooming appointments were impossible to obtain due to the increase of pandemic puppies. I declared I would just need to keep grooming her more regularly.

It was going to be fine.

And please stop touching my dog, she was FINE.

Owing up to the truth

What made me lie about my dog who clearly needed a professional grooming intervention? Also what made me lie when I have a terrible poker face? Anyone who spends even small amounts of time with me can tell if I am attempting to lie or evade the truth.

Lying to my boyfriend of two years was comical as he knew immediately I was being evasive. It's also such a stupid thing to lie about.

So why did I? You could still feel the tangled hair masses and Bella looked ridiculous. I can tell you in the moment, I was ashamed. I had let Bella’s grooming get so off track and I was worried I had damaged her skin. I also fretted that if my boyfriend, who had just moved in, realized how economically frugal I can be to the potential detriment of a dog, he may have second thoughts about trusting me with the important life tasks like taking care of his KIDS.

My shame about the choices I made led me to continue with a farce that no sane person could believe. In the middle of my lie and subsequent shame, my very competent and steadfast boyfriend already secured a grooming appointment. What’s even more impressive was he allowed me to admit my lie and identify my underlying shame in my own time.

This led to a deeper conversation about my struggle of letting others help me and my struggle in giving up total control, even with something as simple as grooming my dog.

Send in the professional

Bella’s first professional grooming appointment took 5 hours. I was too ashamed to take her in, so my boyfriend had to deliver her. The groomer took one look at Bella and said “your girlfriend has been grooming her right?”

Apparently I was part of a larger trend in Arlington and was not the only self trained dog groomer. They needed a team to groom her and she was not surprisingly incredibly patient and mild mannered. Bella returned home happy, tangle and clump free and looked better than I ever achieved at my back yard grooming station.

In her 5 hours at the groomer, I did some personal reflection. It was not just because I wanted to save money that I insisted on grooming her for a year. My need for control was the primary motivation.

I had been so happy to select my first dog that I needed to exercise a degree of control not just over the choice of pet but also about her care. When we decided as couple to live together, I had been living on my own with my 2 kids for 7 years!

I was not just used to doing things on my own and by myself, I was used to making the majority of the decisions with little to no adult input. I had forgotten how to pause and incorporate my partner’s input and wishes.

During those 5 hours, I was deeply ashamed that dog grooming had brought me so low and exposed such a deep vulnerability. I also knew that to move forward in a healthier way, I had to accept my need for help but also be vulnerable enough to admit I needed help.

No going back

Bella is many professional grooming appointments past her first one. I now routinely take her in, joke with her favorite groomer, and her appointments are much shorter. I still regularly trim her nails and face in between appointments because I like to see her eyes.

Bella seems more relaxed now when we go to our back yard station. She is an incredibly smart dog. I am grateful for her patience during my year of total control over her grooming.

I also am working on my own patience with giving up total control. I really love the weekends when all 7 of us are together and the house is total chaos filled with laughter, dogs barking, and the grumpy cat hissing.

I am appreciative that my boyfriend sees me and gives me space to reflect and admit when I am wrong. I appreciate that I can admit when I need help and I am working every day to be honest about that experience. I did recently come across another YouTube tutorial on dog grooming Aussie labradoodles.

Potentially it was the lack of a proper dog grooming station that facilitated my downfall as a dog groomer……

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